2nd month
Monday June 23, 2008
still in shock...

Today I find myself once again sitting at the computer knowing the 2nd month anniversary is today of Dave?s passing.. I can check off another month that I survived the excruciating pain and heartache that this has caused me and my children. And boy I wish I can turn back the time? like Carson said to me a few days ago? MaMa, ? Why did daddy have to go?? ?Why did God take Daddy?? I don?t think God knew what he was doing!.. He took the wrong DADDY!!!?.I?m so mad at God right now ... I said;? its certainly ok to be upset and mad?? no one knows why he took Daddy?.. But maybe it?s because Daddy was SPECIAL!.. He didn?t buy that answer, as it has been used way too much these days?. and was thinking for a moment all quiet and he then asks?,? Ma Ma.. Do you think you can RESTART the EARTH?? I choked up! And I knew exactly what he meant.. If I had the powers to turn back time I certainly would and make our family whole again?. !!!! Its been quite a roller coaster ride of ups and downs these past couple of months.... Everyday brings something new to the table whether it?s a telemarketer phone call asking for Dave? mail that comes in with his name on it?.a ton of paperwork still? waiting for the official autopsy report? etc?? And then there are the 3 little people that I look at everyday and tell them we are going to be ok?but at the same time trying to convince myself just that!? Each one of my kids brings out some quality of Dave in them, it shines through their eyes and makes me smile knowing I have a piece of Dave still living ... helping me get through each day!

Carson and I were on the driveway looking up in the clouds one day.. And they were extra PUFFY as Carson says.. And he looked up and saw a boat sinking? He pointed it out it out to me and said,? and there are people on it? And when I looked? I did see his boat full of people!! ..he was pointing again? and there I saw a ?person? on this boat with WINGS!!? Carson immediately saw it too.. and waved up to Daddy.. I wish I had the camera for that one? then before I knew it.. The clouds changed.. Carson says,?. there go?s Daddy he looks like a ?CRAB? now..?. LOL? that made me laugh? but it did look like a crab!! he has got one imagination that kid? and keeps us cracking up!?.the good thing is . .. The boat stretched out and it didn?t look like it was sinking anymore?! We are all here standing? and still taking it one day at a time!!
? I miss the sounds of your car pulling into the driveway.. The sound of the garage door going up? knowing you were home!? I miss the dog hiding when she heard your footsteps? she is looking for you.. She has rolled in your clothes again in the closet?( I think she knows you are not coming home) and dug a few more holes in your yard.. I miss your phone calls asking me ?what?s for dinner??.. all the little things you don?t realize you take for granted? I just MISS YOU! PERIOD!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
month 3 its not easy ...

I can?t say that there has been any easy days this month, all the holidays and personal family events have hit me and the kids all at once since Dave passed away? one after the other? Each and every moment of the day there isn?t a minute that passes that I don?t think of him. If anyone that has been unlucky enough to have ever experienced losing a loved one? the feeling its like your heart has been ripped out of your chest.. squeezed and stuffed back in... Madison says,? my heart turned into a square and it just doesn?t feel right!? I find drawings and notes all around the house for Daddy ? when the kids pull out the crayons and markers I know there is going to be something left behind in the clean up that is worthy of crying over? I found this one written in green marker on a paper towel?one of many but this one reads? Hi Dad? read this letter I?m writing to you? I love you! Always when I stand quiet, hug and Kiss me please!! PS; I miss you ~Madison.. .. So what to do when you come across something like that?.. You just break down and cry? cry.. Cry? that is what we are doing lately? at any spur of the moment You see something.. Hear something? and there you go? the flood comes and you have to try and pull yourself back together again? What has been the most difficult this past month... Is when I went to go pick up his Urn. Dave came home to us July 7th (a day before his birthday) and settled on his very own dresser?I had to talk myself into getting him.. And I talked to Dave for hours asking him to help me.. He was probably telling me to ?shut up already? and just go get me ! ... .you just want to wake up and wish this sadness was all a NIGHTMARE!. So there Dave rests near a bunch of photos of his children, myself and even a picture of the dog ..39 years and you end up in an expensive little box! (which he would be yelling at me for spending so much on!) ...a total waste of a good life?doesn?t make any sense at all! ?Also another difficult challenge was being in the grocery store again. I hadn?t been since I got the dreaded phone call of Dave?s emergency.. where I just dumped the cart in the isle and headed out to shuffle off the kids so I can get to the ER? I can check that off my list as well as a few more heartaches like returning to the hospital to pick up the missing autopsy report ? I had to walk by the Chapel to get to the records department.. I looked to my right and the sign with an arrow leading to the Chapel jabbed me with sharp pain and anxiety?. hit me right in the heart bringing me back weeks to the morning of April 23rd. That is were some of us gathered before they took Dave off life support.. Our last place to pray for a miracle, that wasn?t answered ..maybe an hour passed and I held his hand and kissed Dave that morning and told him it was ok to let go?why should a wife/mother ever want to say it?s ok to let go??. how will I ever tell my children their Daddy?s not coming home??. I don?t even want to go there?.moms are supposed to make things all better and this was one of the biggest Band-Aids that I have ever place on my kids .. Its wrapped around all of us as we go through month 3 of missing Daddy!.. Posted by Michele at Wednesday, July 23, 2008 2 comments

Saturday, August 23, 2008

month 4...missing daddy...

I guess I don?t know how I feel this month.. Still confused and shocked over the loss of Dave.. I look at his photo and still cant believe he is gone.. When do you finally except it? When will it hit me that he isn?t coming back home? When the dog is curled up next to me on the couch I wonder what she is thinking? I know she is questioning,? am I really supposed to be up here??.. I know this is daddy?s spot? but I continue to let her.. .. If dave knew he was dead.. He would be soooo pssssTT OFF!!.. And even more so that the dog has out lived him!? When Dapple would dig holes in our yard..... Dave would go BIZZ-ERK!! He would say.. There you go again ?Crapple? keep it up?. . Your digg?N your own grave !?..Dave had a love hate relationship with ?Dapple?.. and I thank god we didn?t give her away. She really is sweet? and she is always there wanting to be next to me ?leaning on my feet? during the alone times when the kids are gone she is a great companion and the house doesn?t feel so empty with her around!!

So how do I carry on with out Dave?? ?just trying to make the best of it.?. I do often wonder why I was picked to handle all this !@#$%^ that life has thrown my way?I would be lying if I told you all I wasn?t angry.. upset and mad!!!? NO ONE asked me if I wanted this crisis in my life and who in their right mind could think I can handle all of it???????!!!!

So this is what 4 months looks like!. Not much has changed other than there have been more challenges and obstacles that I had to face.. Concur get though ?.and get back on my feet ?. Im not sure what kind of test life has thrown at me here.. im not expecting a gold star at the end of it.. Just hoping I can come out on the other side?and be able to smile and live again in some kind of ?NEW? normalcy.
Myself and the children have been busy .. Really busy this summer.. And back to school is just a week away Carson will start Kindergarten.. Chase will be heading off to Middle school (6th).. And Madison will be going into 4th grade. .. For the most part they have adjusted to life with out Daddy, but not looking forward to Dave not being there for yet another milestone.. seeing his little guy get on the bus to big boy school. (thinking back.. How is this possible? Carson was just a baby.. seems like yesterday... life slips by so fast that?s for sure and they are off!) Each of our children had Daddy home that 1st day of school in the morning to see them get on the bus for Kindergarten.. Its going to be sad that Daddy wont be in the pictures this year?. I know this will be hard for me and hope we get a sign that he is there?..!
The kids ask why is there a light out still in the pantry? That is because Daddy was so good at changing light bulbs!?. and each time I flick on the switch?. I think that magically Dave has put a new bulb in?and we will have light again... So its left untouched .. Again?.Its the little things you take for granted? something simple as a light bulb is hard to change these days?.

Dave?s office was yet another HUGE challenge? that one I was dreading... putting off but had to be done by me.. Just sitting in his chair for hours gave me some sense of comfort.. I left his office with 3 boxes full? (thank you for the pretty box and tissue paper left on his desk for me!) Yet again .. His life contents end up in a box!? I remember Dave would ask me why I?m saving so much stuff? you cant take it with you! ( I really know what he meant now!!!) ? stuff is just stuff.. its irrelevant in the big picture.. and that is so the truth. Makes you wonder about your life and all your STUFF you have ?and the STUFF you still want!!!?. is really worth it..? The kids say.. Id live in a cardboard box if we can trade it all in and have our daddy back!! so really what is important?? all the STUFF or a precious life??. Dave was a minimalist but yet .. Ill continue to save the contents of his office.. even a gum wrapper .. A broken pencil?a water bottle? whatever it may be ?I will keep anything that was Daves? and hold dear to me. Thank you United Health Care for naming a conference room after him.. I saw his name on the plate outside the doorway? as I was leaving the building I took a peek in? Dave would be so honored that he had touched so many people during his 18 years of service at UHC.. I know he is smiling down ?.and thank you for all those who expressed their sympathy that day and came to see me? I appreciate it and thanks to Joanne and Carm?for holding my hand and getting me though that day!

Sometimes you cant see the purpose for something so devastating like this to happen to a family .. And I don?t think ill ever understand or will ever know why God has left myself without a husband and the children with out a father??. It Just doesn?t seem fair? and question?.. ?what did those innocent children do to deserve to carry on without out a father?? ?.I keep asking Dave WHY? WHY? WHY?? but I am also starting to see a lot of the blessings that have come my way.. and I certainly know Dave had a huge hand in taking care of me...

?. The very last photo I ever took of Dave I use on our race shirts? People ask me why I used that photo of Dave? Its one with ?THAT LOOK??? He shot me a stare ... I clearly remember?he asks me,?? Another photo Michele?? and rolled his eyes!? (I had only taken about 100 that day at the dance competition of the kids and I rarely leave the house with out my camera ).. So YEP!!!.. and glad I took it too! Our photo albums will be missing our Dad going forward?and that is something that I think about often and it makes me so sad?I will never see him again in this life? now just a memory for me and my kids.... a moment in time has stood still for Dave... and left a big ole? hole in our hearts forever? I only wish one more snapshot? a glance? a smile? a kiss... I Love you? our Daddy an Angel in Heaven?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

colors changing month 5...

The days keep coming and going.. As time passes the colors are changing around me ?The summer is turning into fall.. seems just like yesterday the colors turned into beautiful bloomed flowers the week Dave passed away.. Its so vivid in my mind I can remember it like yesterday? leaving the hospital a beautiful day with tears dripping down my face? thinking this can?t be happening to me?. Dave told me that Monday morning to ?cheer up? as he left the house ... It was going to be a beautiful week! ?(that was quite a week for sure and so unexpected.. And one I will remember the rest of my life!!) He always told me the weather report on Mondays and what the weeks forecast was going to look like. I never read the paper, which by the way keeps getting stuffed into my mail box day after day.. And when they cant stuff any more in...that is when I empty it.. I thought they would get the hint???.. I canceled it months ago but I?m still receiving them???? just one more thing to call on once again?.I can certainly write a book on these trials and tribulations with different companies from the paper to the phone company to the cable people etc?and the nonsense I have had to deal with since Dave died..
Soon the leaves will be turning colors and falling off the trees! It will be yet another adjustment to change? winter is approaching and brings a whole new meaning to shoveling? Definitely not looking forward to the cold weather or even the holidays this year!??. Even though we survived through most of them as we passed through each month ?we will just take it one day at a time like we have been doing with our fingers and toes crossed?.
Being a single mom is quite challenging and sometimes I think how did we do all that we did in a day? and manage to get to bed on time?.. Some days run smoothly and some days are utter chaos!! . But I have some great kids and I thank god for that!
So what reminds me of Dave? Well.. Crazy but true.. American Medical response trucks! Yes.. A bit strange but I have to say? it?s a sign that Dave is watching us.. ! No mater where I am around town.. A remote area? a place where one wouldn?t likely be and just is?..One on the side of the road parked or one just passing by and another following behind..?I see them. Dave got a ride to the hospital in one that day and it was the first medical bill I received in the mail because of it.. But they are everywhere now.. I never noticed them until he passed away? it was Dave?s last ride in any vehicle... Not one of his choosing.... But one that kept him alive long enough to tell him I loved him as we exchanged words while being hooked up to everything on the ER table that day.. They got him there quickly and kept him alive until I got there! He survived long enough and was awake when really he shouldn?t have been. I?m thankful for every minute I was able to see him before God took his hand. I can tell you that most days I can breathe now that I?m learning he must be in a better place? but the selfish side of me would rather have him back here so I can have a whole family again?is that too much to ask?.. Really, ? Who would of choose the pain and suffering I?m living these days??.. Being a single mom isn?t something I ever dreamed of.. I got handed this and I?m just taking it one day at a time? figuring out how to get enough strength for today and praying to have a little more for tomorrow? its been 5 months since I have last seen Dave and our family spending time together.. But yet seems like yesterday he passed away. I close my eyes and remember all the things he used to say to make us laugh.. to make us cry and what made us smile.. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring.. I hug my children a little bit tighter.. I tell them I love them more.. And how proud I am of them? and how proud Daddy would have been if he was here to tell them himself? I know Gods gift to me were those children and believe I was chosen for this job 15 years ago when we first met.. .. Dave left me quite a big challenge here today? and although in life I?ve learned has no guarantees ? but I do know Dave must of thought I was strong enough to handle this!? ? I?m slowly learning through myself and others who have helped me along the way? to be thankful for what I do have and reflect on new ways to move ahead in my life after adversity and knowing what surrounds me is love ? and learning that God (or a higher power which ever you believe) has our life planned out for us from the start.. This crisis wasn?t of my choosing and yet I was the one chosen to live through something so tragic? and yes you can make choices in life but in the end you don?t ever really have control of anything.. I do believe your life is planned out for you down to the very last detail and outcome of our lives?.. "choice" comes into play when we chose how we respond to it ? and this is where I will learn to be a better person, mother, friend!? Though I am still trying to accept and deal with my own personal losses? I know some day I?ll figure out the new formula for which this new life that has ?chosen me?? and that today I will step forward an inch as I try to do each day.. And put a little faith and trust to that old saying.. That all good things come to those who wait..?. But until then? I?ll continue to accept what has been put upon me and slowly move out of my darker days and into longer and brighter ones?. I long for the day when the colors brighten my world again? it may not be today .. But can only dream for it to happen tomorrow?.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

a half of year has gone by...

I cant believe its been a half a year so far since Dave has been gone! I know I say this all the time but it doesn?t seem possible? Some days I think he still is coming home? He had so much life left to live and so many plans left undone and fatherly duties to finish? I think about all that he is missing and all that I?m seeing without him in our lives . Carson?s last soccer game is this weekend and what a great 8 weeks it has been. Last year it was just getting to know the game... But this year Carson really kicked it up a notch and is quite the little player scoring goals and running up and down the field with so much energy. He will be in swimming for the winter and that was something Dave always wanted him to get involved in .. Another natural talent this kid has and it breaks my heart to be the only parent being able to see it happen?Also Chase and Madison?s tap duet is fabulous this year.. and it saddens me that Dave isn?t around to see his children grow into wonderful dancers. Madison will be in a pageant come November and her tap solo is phenomenal, we are hoping she can pull it off this year, Daddy was there last year when she won the talent portion of the pageant and he will be with us in spirit this year?
As I move forward these days I find myself some what relieved to see the progress that I have made over these past 6 challenging months.. I have been able to acknowledge and except a variety of pain on all levels.. From completely drowning in my tears to tear drops that drip off my face.. Then there are some good tears that are from memories when daddy made us laugh ... And we cry because its so funny. Though some days a single tear drop can be so painful , an agonizing sick feeling comes over me as I am reminded that my children are without their dad and I no longer have a husband..?. I am able to live it? breathe it? feel it?except it as our new reality but its when I fear it? then those are the days it feels like a loosing battle ?.until I remind myself? in the midst of all the pain and anxiety .. That a death of a loved one shouldn?t be a life sentence for those who have been left behind ?but to be here in the present for those who are still living. Knowing I need to move forward with my children and out from the past.. I am learning from this new life that has been chosen for me?dwelling on my past life as I often do and I sometimes think it feels like a permanent condition for me, I find myself talking to Dave for guidance, and he is telling me to ?QUIT YOUR CRY?N" which was his all time favorite line?and would hear it quite often.. Easier said then done.. But tears are good and the only way to get to the other side is to go through it?and I have found to my surprise that there have been more frequent stretches of better days then bad ones as I push forward?..
I know Dave would be proud to know that myself and his children have been able to pick up quite a few broken pieces that were handed to us and have been able to put together a new life for the four of us. I hope that somewhere up there in the heavens he can see down on us and continue to keep helping us find our way through this life challenging puzzle?not a game I would have chosen to play.. But one that just is and some day I will get that last piece in for my family? this has been a huge life adjustment for us and I?m trying to keep our strength, making the best of everyday?knowing each piece is critical for survival and someday I will complete it?.and in the end.. I am confident this picture will reveal itself ?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

7 months we are hanging in there...

It seems like the 23rd of each months creeps up on me faster and faster these days. Not only do I think about this date several times a month? often I have to question what the heck happened and how did I get here? But it makes this new life for me real knowing I will be writing something on the anniversary of Dave?s passing. The 23rd number will always remind me of Dave and also its time I can focus my attention on him. So what comes to mind this month is the quote I made up for my High school year book.. I remember writing it many years ago and really not sure what it meant back then... but I submitted it and it was published under my photo?it reads:

? In life there are many paths to choose from.. Follow one but don?t get lost?!

? so back then being 17 years old I don?t really know why I wrote it or what it was supposed to mean and I ask ?. why does it still stick out in my mind today?.. Until now.... This journey for me from meeting Dave 15 years ago.... To getting married.. .. To experiencing life?s trials and tribulations along the way?til? death do we part? has taught me quite a lesson on life and there were many paths and I do believe over the years spent with Dave, he has helped point me in the right direction and he continues to do so as I live each day... The earlier dark paths I had been down shortly after his death I clearly could of gotton lost.. But I believe those were more or less experiences I had to go through to get were I am today? I have to think there is a purpose, a reason for what happened and why I?m raising our children alone with out their daddy. I could just do nothing and feel sorry for myself and believe this was a cruel punishment put upon me, but I have chose a new path to follow... I look back and realize those darker days were times of spiritual growth and soul searching for me, I am now learning who I am and figuring out how to be a single mom of 3. I didn?t get to this better place over these months alone and have to thank so many people who have been there for me?. I think Dave has sent me quite a few angels to look out for me and the kids and new friendships made along the way.
?.. I continue to find daily.... some inner strength to get me through the days??You never think you are as strong as you are unless you go through something like this? I have found some peace, in moving through life one day at a time, enjoying what I do have... and be thankful for it... I am grateful for the new doors that have opened up for me and the new friendships I have made in this short period of time?. I have Dave to thank for many of them? I know he is guiding me and watching as I walk down this new path of life without him by my side?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

8 months...Happy New Year!

As I stand looking in the Christmas card isle at Hallmark.. I am overwhelmed from the amount of cards starring back at me that are for a Dad... a son and Dad.. a Daughter and a Dad? for a Husband ?some for a Wife? right at that minute ? time quickly sent me back into a tail spin to the reality of my life? I started to look at my surroundings for awhile and absorbed what I was seeing.. And couldn?t help but notice strangers shopping too for cards and looks on their faces.. Wondering what their story was?.. And if they had a Dad or a husband.. Or were they simply looking like I was for the hell of it??? I?m watching as they pick each one up and laugh and chuckle? some pulled out their cell phones to ask questions as to who they should get cards for? or did they already get one??or ?you gotta hear what this card has to say??as I scanned the wall of cards ... I felt paralyzed in time...remembering when I was in the same place as these people looking for a card for their loved one! I couldnt help feel a bit helpless knowing as a mom I couldnt fix this situation not only for myself... but for my children as well....so I very slowly removed myself from that area and disappeared further down the isle.. ..out from the family section ...making room for those last minute card shoppers to take my place? and began looking for ones that read "for special friends"?..

So its been 8 months already.. Where does the time go ?? I often think about how I got this far and it amazes me that I?m still somewhat sane to write about it.. Never would I think I would of made it quite this long with out Dave? and some days it still doesn?t seem real. Though I have excepted that I no longer have Dave?s presents and I know he is no longer going to walk through the door, it still doesn?t make it all better.. The heartache is there.. an unexpected wave of pain still taps me on the shoulder at times and as much as I want to shoo it away? I sometimes give in to it.. Talk to myself about it? an occasional outburst of tears and certain choice words fly out until I get a hold of myself and then I find myself reevaluating all that I have learned these past months and think I better get it together!? ? these set backs are sometimes sudden but less frequent as I slap myself back into place for the mere fact that nothing is going to bring Dave back to us? but I gotta tell ya it does feel good to let it all out sometimes!!.. So don?t let anyone tell you a good scream or cry doesn?t fix things ? its those times when you need a hug from Dave and he isn?t there to wrap his arms around us?

The holidays once again have creped up on us.. And we are challenged yet again.. with a new beginning a change as 2009 approaches?a new year without our Dad and Husband physically with us.. For the most part the kids have been doing quite well and they are unbelievably resilient at this age?and we are looking forward to putting this roller coaster of a year behind us?. and begin to move forward with a much clearer mind set and knowing with each day that passes? will bring us greater strength as time goes by and as long as we continue to stay positive I think we will get through this. ... There isn?t a day that goes by that we don?t talk about daddy or point him out on the highway or parking lots when we see the EMR trucks? daddy is always watching us and it?s a big joke when we hit Walmart or Target there is always one there parked.. Some how he is always there shopping ? and he is telling us.. ?Can you just try to get out of there for under $50!!???.. .of course red birds also remind us of Daddy? (also known as cardinals )? but we haven?t seen any of those lately.. If any one out there sees one.. Make sure you tell him to get his tail feather back in his own yard or just swing by to see us..! So the first major snow fall was last week.. and it seemed strange not to see the fathers in the neighborhood rev up their snow blowers .. It used to be like a snow blow party? but this year.. We woke up to a snow plow doing our driveway and sidewalks? I remember last year Dave?s snow blower bit the dust just as the end of the season? he was tempted to buy a new one.. But opt not too and shoveled the last few storms himself and now again.. I know the reason why he didn?t buy a new one? he wouldn?t of been here to use it and would sit in the garage just like the lawn mower among other daddy gadgets he has!
As this year comes to a close.. I would like to again thank everyone that has reached out to us in many different ways? the love and support from all of you from new friends to old ones? to ones I didn?t even know at all.. I thank you.. My family thanks you and most of all I believe Dave thanks you also?for all the blessings sent to his kids and Me ?. for being apart of our family and touching our lives? so Thank you and Happy New Year.

Friday, January 23, 2009

9 months ...its been that long... picture taken...Puerto Rico 1/2008

So I got to Florida yesterday with the kids.. it was kinda a random thing.. I just called the airlines.. the rates were good and notified my parents we were on our way.... I had to get out of the cold.. winter is depressing enough.. as the sky is gray... everything looks lifeless ...so sick of the snow....and the minus temperatures were ready to put me over the edge! ..I am here.. its so sunny I am enjoying every moment in the sun ... the green grasses.. the blue sky and sandy beaches.. Dave would so be loving getting out of Connecticut now.. January is such a long month and a little sabbatical is always good and refreshing in the height of winter.. last year Dave and I went to Puerto Rico around this time... and now that I look back as hindsight is 20/20 it was our last trip together and I know why God gave us that gift... and really our first one since we got married ..3 kids...built 2 houses later... we were busy living and not taking time to enjoy life's finer perks .. so we went.. and planned on going again this year.. but here we are a year later.. and totally a different life scenario for me and my kids...

.. our Daddy is gone and its now the 4 of us.. so here we are in Florida and as I read the writing in the sand today at the beach.. I found my 5 year old with a stick in hand and he writes,"

"I LUF You Dad!"

ok.. so right there.. moment of silence..... and a tissue please!!!!!

Widow: wid-ow ?noun
1.
a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried.

I am beginning to use that word more often, now that it has been imbedded into my vocabulary? I have had to check off that box several times on paperwork since Dave passed away??and I do realize that I am no longer in the category as married!? that widow box sends a chill down my spine as I have the pen in my hand and very slowly I ?X? in the appropriate box?And if the widow box is not there.. I sometimes will make a box. It?s sunk in now that yes I am under the single category again after 15 years .. But some days I feel like a rebel.... And ill check the married box to humor myself and if anyone wants to question me.. Let them? I don?t mind striking up a conversation ??does it really matter anyways? .. the bill is going to be paid whether you are single married divorced or widowed!!.

So...surely they could of made up a better word for a wife that lost their husband. I don?t like being in a "spider" category nor do I like being in a category at all?.. Though some days I wouldn?t mind having 4 legs and 4 arms.. I would be able to multi task and get a lot more done .. it?s the list of responsibilities that Dave took care of.. then there were mine.. And would chose mine over his any day?. But now I got it all? all of it dumped onto me at once? with out warning! ? I do have to say? I have learned a lot in these past nine months..from taking out the garbage on the correct day.. and which week is recycle week.. to paying the bills for which he had set up electronically...and getting to know my way around Home Depot. Always knowing were to go and how to get there... my sister and Joanne "ON STAR" is always a phone call a way if I get lost or in a location that's unfamiliar.. even though I don't have a mans voice like Daddy's.. I surely can make it loud enough to take on the disciplinary role that not only gets my kids to listen...but it works to get them at attention!!!!!!

What I really want is a normal life again or somewhat of a normal life with my whole family again.. Ill take a half way ?normal? because normal is defined as:

NORMAL
?adjective
1.
conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

....that is completely unrealistic for me..?? and something that isn?t going to happen overnight.. And I know nothing will be normal ever for me again..as I will always have the memory as I witnessed my husband fighting for his life and my children forever being with out their dad?.? I always hold on to Dave's eyes as I remember them as they pierced through me with uncertainty that day?before they shut forever...

Getting over my fear of the unknown is another constant battle for me.. Everyone wants an 8 ball that has something positive to say each time you shake the thing....?of course everyone would want to know all the good that is going to happen in the future.. But would you of wanted to know the bad?? I don?t think I would of wanted to know the crisis I endured ahead of time.. I think God spared me by throwing me into this head first and left me to scramble with out notice..? this has been a huge challenge for me learning how to crawl out from under the odds that were thrown my way... I really don?t think I would of wanted to know my husband was dying or if he ever would have to suffer? nor would I want myself and my kids to know their daddy was on borrowed time.. And nor do I think Dave would of wanted to know ahead of time he was leaving this earth?I think I was spared a lot of heartache, not that what I suffered wasn?t heartache.. But the unknown in this case wasn?t as bad as if I did know? ok..does that make any sense?... Do you all follow me??

so its been 9 months since we haven't seen our Dad, 9 months as a single mom... and 9 months that we have survived since our life had been interrupted....but also we found within those 9 months some reasons to smile....

Monday, February 23, 2009

10 months brighter days....

I know

it's hard to be reconciled

not everything is exactly

the way it ought to be..

but please turn around

and step into the future

leave memories behind

enter the land of hope...

~Zbigniew Herbert

Its 10 months today? an Ive have learned over these months that painful and disappointing things happen.. Often for a reason that we don?t always know? maybe for a higher purpose we can not see just yet?? sometimes things often work out for the good an other times not? but there is a choice we can make to either move on or live in the past?and possibly learn something from it. We don?t always have to spend so much time trying to figure out the purpose and plan for each detail of our lives?.. Just let it happen.. We have absolutely no control over it.. That is what I have learned .. I will trust that what I have been dealt with ..which were some of life?s unfortunate circumstances ....ones I had to experience to get to the place where I am today? if someone told me that I would eventually be happy again after what I went though.. I would say they were completely insane!.. But I have found that I am in a better place now? and moving forward with my life with the kids.. I can smile more and my brighter days have started to shine through?.this doesn?t mean our pain is completely gone? it is still there but on a different level.. I know I can breathe again more freely? and can talk about the wonderful memories of our family together.. Ones I will always hold dear in my heart? but I do know ?. there are better things to come for us .. I have been searching for answers and I have to believe God doesn?t leave good people hanging ... There is a plan for me? in time I will be patient and wait for it to reveal itself.. I know I cant rush it.. or control it?I just have to trust it! .. And see where it leads me.. ?
This month.. I want to thank YOU ALL once again.. New and old friends that email me to see how Im doing ? or simply ask if there is anything they can still do to make my life a little bit easier? I am thankful for strangers that come across my blog that have the courage to share their own personal and painful experience with me.. And put their trust in me to help them through their challenges they are facing? to all the wonderful moms and dads out there that have emailed me and telling me how this blog has changed them?to all my old friends from school that I have been in touch with over these past 10 months? to all of you who have put up with me during some of the most craziest days?. I am so grateful that I am able to help others.. Just like you all have helped me.. Life for sure isn?t easy.. And nothing now is ever taken for granted.. I have to think Dave was a gift.. A gift put here on earth to help others when he passed. I have had people start to run to get healthy.. Some who didn?t have a life insurance policy for their family and now they do.. Some who didn?t have a WILL but have one now.. Some who hug their children more and tell their loved ones that they are truly special.. As we travel through this life? something as simple letting them know you care?.. Or telling someone you love them.. Is often overlooked and we tell ourselves ill do it later? Now is the best time!!!!? there may not be a later!!!?. I am also trying to throw out all that is negative in my life? learning to be free of fear and anger.. I know easier said then done?I am trying to be proactive.. and being aware of my reactions when I get upset? sometimes it may be uncomfortable to say I?m sorry? but allow each new day to be the beginning of this process ..being aware of what you can and can not change is key!? let today be the day to throw it all up to a higher power and let someone else worry about it!... Its not worth it to stay miserable and caught up in the past... Be happy ?life it to short to live with regrets.? Live in the present.. stop worrying about everything?be yourself?. be free?. Just let it go?and trust that Life really is good if you give it a chance!.. ??. Missing daddy everyday.. But living in our hearts forever?.

Monday, March 23, 2009

11 months today... a letter to Daddy....

Dear Daddy,

I miss you! We've been through so much this past year but it looks like we made it some how?. Sometimes I lye in bed thinking, is this reality or or is it all a bad dream? I wish it was a bad dream. Once, I thought you were coming home from work, but you didnt. Every night, I talk to you, do you hear me? do you answer?

Is Grandma Pauline making you her famous meatballs and sauce? She better be! I LOVE YOU TO THE END OF TIME. And there is no stopping time!!! I LOVE YOU ALOT.

your daughter,
Madison

Dreams are how we figure out where we want to go... life is how we get there.

I often wondered what a year from now was going to look like?.. What the kids were going to be like.. were they going to make it through? ? How I was going to feel?.. would we ever recover from this loss?.. Will I always be tangled up in worrisome thoughts and not be able to move past the days that followed Dave?s death? Would I continue to dwell on the ?why Me?? .. Will I except that God has a blueprint of my life and he is going to guide me in a direction that I will be ok with??.I have been seeing a lot of changes and steps towards a new beginning? one I will admit has sometimes been very scary for me ?but new beginnings are daily challenges that I need to continue to make happen? back when I wanted to fast forward time to make the pain go away? I didn?t like the feeling of my world being stolen from me? ?.the pain during the first few days were unbearable and days and weeks and months that followed were still upsetting ? you think how is it possible to feel better?.. How is it possible to continue on with life when you are minus one life in your life?.? the life you knew of and familiar to you is gone.. And a new one is going to replace the old? would I be ready for this?.. But God does have a way to help figure it all out. He is there guiding me and my children to a place where we can see and except all the changes that come our way.. We are here ready to face any obstacles that are given to us? nothing is too big or too small that we cant handle? we have each other and we are ready to recover from what was a complete nightmare to a place where we can find some peace in our lives?
? often my biggest fear is the unknown.. Wondering what is next for us.. Worrying about what is going to happen is a negative contribution to our future? we are learning to stay in the present and leave our fears in the past? we are getting there? still baby steps.. But they are steps towards a better life for the 4 of us!

~ Michele

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Thank You Friends...

in life.. its not "what you have" .... but "who" you have in your life, that matters most!...

~Michele

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of Dave�s passing. I wanted to thank all of you over this past year that has helped me through this challenging time in my life.. To all the new friends I have met through this journey and held my hand through some trying times.. To my old friends that rallied around me so I wouldn�t fall.. To all of you that have come in and out of my life.. �some who left lasting impressions and memories I will hold dear in my heart�. To all those who have taught me valuable lessons that I needed to experience to move on � to see things in a different light .. to help me grow� to help me understand that each day is a gift that we never should take for granted.. To all of you who brightened my day with a smile.. To strangers that have expressed their deepest sympathy ..something as simple as a wave .. a wink �a smile that made my day� To appreciate life to its fullest and all that we have that surrounds us.... To our circle of friends who are there to help us when we are weak� I thank you all who have touched my life in positive way � each and everyone of you who has shown me love and support over this past year.. I cant thank you enough.. Hold on to your faith.. Keep it close to you.. Let others help guide you through each day ..let only love enter your surroundings� � thank you to all who keep following my blog.. reading .. sending me emails� sharing personal stories with me.. I hope in many ways I was able to touch your life just as much as you all have touched mine�. A Thank You isn�t even a big enough word to express how appreciative I am to have you enter my life�. Stay positive.. Keep smiling.. Hug your loved ones.. Tell them you care�.. Most importantly.. Don�t let another day go by with out telling someone you love them�

Wednesday, April 23, 2009

in loving memory of Dave our Dad... a husband 1 year ago..April 23rd 2008 our Daddy went to Heaven...

Nothing prepares you for a crisis.. I mean really .. Would want to know one was coming anyways....? Or be thrown into it like me and self preservation kicks in ..life happens and you roll with the punches.. Nothing is worse then being by the bedside of your husband and being told there isn�t anything left that can be done� WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT? Seems like everyone on HOUSE or ER gets well and survives.. If this was a TV show he would be getting well by now!��.All these doctors and nurses.. Being in a top rated Hospital.. All the drugs you can imagine.. The doctors gather in a huddle that morning of April 23.. Knowing that huddle wasn�t something that looked promising� you never want to see too many white coats in one area at the same time�. trust me on this one!�. As I�ve witnessed its certainly not a positive sign��The air was thick this morning� you can smell the sign of death� you can see it on the nurses faces ..they were doing their job trying to keep busy.. not looking as if something devastating was going to happen in the near future� the doctors faces were also long and straight and even a bit pale looking . �.. a tear sheds from the doctors eyes as he calls me over to speak with him..� I�m sorry Mrs. Yurgaitis your husbands organs have shut down he is dying!.. is DYING???? !! � I�ve waited all these hours in this hospital for you to tell me WHAT?� Can you say that again?!!.. I�m not sure if I heard you correctly???? Waiting all this time.. Sleeping in a chair for hours on end with strangers just like you grasping on to any hope for their loved ones survival�. I didn�t just stay here all this time for you to tell me there isn�t anything left you can do!!!�

��Praying for a miracle ...pleading with God for a second chance.. If only you make him well again.. I will do anything you ask of me.. I will cook more.. I will keep a better house.. � I won�t yell at my kids �I wont fight anymore with Dave.. I�ll make sure I�m on time� and have dinner ready! (Dave loves to eat.. He is always hungry especially when he gets home from work).� God please.. Just one more chance�..with in 42 hours my life changed for ever!�Dave is going to be taken off life support this morning..(Wednesday April 23rd 2008) �. Something I had to agree with.. Why does a wife ever want to agree with something like that�!!!�The doctors need a signature� I have to sign off on it too???.. auuggggh!!!� � what would Dave think of me signing his life away?

�. As I said my final goodbyes to Dave this morning.. I left his bedside with the photos of our children and the well wishes taped to his wall in his room...that the kids had made for daddy.� I couldn�t watch them as they start to unplug life from his body� with in minutes.. Dave took his last breath.. � God took him from us.. No miracle.. No answered prayers.. God why me? Why my children.. What did we do to deserve this?? God please help me.. Please help my children.. Where do I go from here?? I sit in the waiting room alone�.. just breathing� I�m feeling more numb then I was a couple days before when I got the call that Dave collapsed at work�I felt lifeless like Dave now�� except Dave went to a peaceful place.. The pain is overwhelming.. I�m in shock�I don�t know how I�m going to live with this pain �. some say its hell right here on earth!� and I am starting to believe it! live it... feel it!

.. My surroundings went silent. I feel like I�m spinning down a tunnel � It's dark and scary. I can hear myself breathe slowly as I am left to pick up the pieces of this broken life that was just handed to me..� myself and my 3 children are faced with the biggest challenge of our lives � �. Left to continue on with out Dave/ their daddy�my husband� How will I ever be able to stand up and get out of this seat I�m sitting in?�I am hunched over with pain� I don�t want people to look at me.. I don�t want to open my eyes� I don�t want another person to tell me they are sorry.. They cant possibly know what sorry is.. They do not feel the way I�m feeling.. � . They cant even imagine what I�m going through.. Please.. No one tell me that again�. I cover my ears�I know you all mean well. But I�m am not up for it right now�...The hospital consular is approaching me� She is just doing her job.. .. I don�t want her to help me �she is sitting there at the table across from me.. I don�t know her �I don�t want to talk with her�.she is handing me her business card.. .. I am thinking, �Does she have some magical powers to take pain away�?�.I cant handle her or anything right now� I want to hide and just hear myself think about what I am going to do with myself .. I want to go hug my kids now..I want to let them know how much I love them.. .. My life�my future.. my NOW�. it just took a 360 degree turn for the worse�.. �.. What the hell just happened here?!!!

It felt like it was a short drive from the hospital to my house�.I didn�t want to head home just yet.. But where else would I go?. I know the kids are coming home from school soon�.Carson is in preschool .. He has short days� I know he is home already.. The kids don�t know the seriousness of Daddy�s condition.. Their Dad is really sick and they had hopes he was going to be ok.. That was what we kept telling them when they asked�� they waited for some answers just like us.. But they didn�t see all that we saw in that hospital.. Daddy was dying .. I knew it.. I didn�t want to believe it� I certainly didn�t want my kids to know it��.

There is already a caravan lined up in front of my house. Family and Friends are already there.. News like this travels fast.. Carson is in the driveway playing chalk.. He is happy.. He doesn�t know what�s going on at all�he thinks this is great �all his family in one spot �it�s looks like a party and he is getting gifts.. What more can a 5 year old ask for!�. He has no idea.. .. and its killing me as I look at him�. holding a secret that�s not only going to crush him but his brother and sister as well �

Heart wrenching scream from Madison pieced right through me like a knife ripping out my insides� .. Chase is pleading with me NO NO NOOO!!.. Carson is stunned�a little confused now�he went from happy to sad in a split second.. � tears are flowing as I tell them Daddy went to Heaven this morning. Carson is not sure if Heaven is a permanent or temporary thing?�. � what energy I had �.finally left my body� My heart sunk to my stomach and I feel like throwing up!�.at this moment a double wammy hit me today, with in a few short hours of each other�. My life has been stolen from me� nobody asked me .. What choice did I have.. It was torn away in an instant.. And I am here expected to carry on with out my husband.. Be a mom to three children� be the only one parent left� my children left to grow up with out their Dad� how cruel� how unfair life is.. Am I going to wake from this nightmare?�.. Please God� Someone tell me this isn�t happening to me!!!��.

Days following .. Not sure how I am even functioning? Did I even get any sleep? I can�t even remember the days that followed as we left that hospital with out Dave. It�s all a blurr still for me� arraignments and details of the funeral need to get done�.something I never thought I�d have to do at age 38, but thankfully it was all being all taken care of for me�. while I focus on story boards.. .. What will I have to show for my life �my husband and children�. Certainly we need photos.. And now to go dig for them? � it was a process� now that everything is digital.. And not every picture taken was actually printed of the family�. Hours and minutes passed so quickly but it all came together with a ton of help� these masterpieces came to life� 12 years of memories got compiled into 4 photo frames that tell the story of Dave Yurgaits and his family�.

Flowers? Do we really need flowers???� no Dave would hate to have flowers on his casket� I need trees .. Shrubs I need manly looking plants �that�s what he would of wanted.. Something I could plant after the service was done� he would want to be able to make use for them.. Flowers in Dave�s mind would be a total waste of money unless they are the ones he bought and planted every year in our flower pots on the front steps.

I met my sister inlaw at this quaint little flower shop � I wanted trees on either side of Dave� as I walk through the door�. there I saw 2 bunches of bloomed dogwood tree branches in tall glass vases.. This is it!.. How perfect!� I need them both� if I wasn�t able to get trees inside a funeral home this will the next best thing!� I will decorate the branches with frames of my children that was used to decorate our Christmas tree this past December� (Now I know the reason for those photo frames).. They were packed away in a box.. Now the challenge to find where I put them?�... I can see it all coming together now.. Somehow it did.. � it just did!

I cant believe I actually have to get dressed and put on a face today.. Knowing I have to go see Dave at a funeral home.... makes me sick!��doesn�t seem right not waking up to him beside me� It�s the day of his wake�.. This doesn�t seem real.. What am I doing ?.. I am lost in my thoughts�. I have to pick out an outfit for me to wear�. ..I am completely numb still ...I don�t even know what I�m doing?�.. My body is weak from not eating� my mouth is dry� I cant believe I�m even functioning�. barely!�. Haven�t had anything to eat or drink in a few days now� I�m still in shock.. This seems so unreal� I wish someone would wake me up at any moment and I�ll have my family back again�. This cant be my life now!�.

I really don�t have anything appropriate to wear to a funeral. Certainly not one for my own husband.. What will the kids wear? Dave isn�t here, as I shuffle through my closet ..� I cant even ask him if my ass looks big in these pants.. Auuggggggggg!.. Those were the days I wanted to smack him if he didn�t give me a nice answer!. He knew better what to say��..I know he would be saying, � just don�t spend too much on a new outfit�� or �just wear something off the floor�� dirty or clean � it wouldn�t even matter to him� We were headed to Walmart just an hour before the wake.. because Madison informs me her shoes didn�t fit her anymore� and stuffing her feet into them were not an option.. neither were the sneakers she wanted to wear! �we did find a pair�. Dave was with us in spirit shopping... I can feel him guide me to the checkout ..� he is telling me �hurry up� don�t be late!.. �You are always LATE!��. he is yelling at me�.. But this time� "can�t you try to be on time HUN?!!� you have to be,.. There will be people I know waiting to greet you�. hurry�. get out of here.. go go go�.. !!

As I walk into the funeral home� something was telling me that I can get through this.. The car door opened for me and I walk through the doors� not a place that makes sense for someone so young�. I gaze over to the open doorway� and there was Dave inside a wooden box �.you couldn�t actually see him.. I wanted a closed casket.. I wanted everyone to remember him the way he was and I didn�t want him lying there lifeless in a casket with people looking at him� I wanted people to remember him when he was alive and well..

Dave was surrounded by the most beautiful flowers that friends and family and co-workers had sent to the home�. My dogwood trees were there� the notes were tapped to the casket that the kids made for Daddy when he was in the hospital� his photo was placed on top of the casket .. It was the photo we had done when we got engaged.. After 15 years.. It still looked like Dave. He aged well.. And was still so handsome��This is so sad� I feel so sad for my children�I feel so sad for me�for once I had a reason to feel sorry myself�. The pain is so overwhelming I wanted to leave just then and run away from it all�. The pain is no where near describable�. Its actually so profound � I cant even explain it� why me? Why Me?! �. Why does God make it hurt so much..,,,?

The lines kept coming� I met the most caring and thoughtful human beings.. I even saw some of the ER nurses that were working on Dave when I got to the hospital that first day....thank you to all the family from both sides� all my children�s school teachers .. co workers and freinds from United Health Care...from our Dance Studio.... Those of you who hoped on a plane and drove miles to be here �my friends from the Ebay Boutique Community... thank you! Daves long lost friends from grammar school to High School to Law School.. �.thank you everyone who left cards.. sent flowers�.said kind words � some of you cried on my shoulder ��those of you who shared your own personal and painful stories with me� I stood there and greeted each and everyone of you� thank you �thank you all for showing up.. .. Round two in a couple hours as we leave and take a break from it all� not sure I can eat anything once again�.. as we drive away.. I see a line .. A long line still forming for the next session already.. I�m so tired and weak � geeeez Dave you have touched a lot of people.. You didn�t tell me there was going to be this many people?�.. more then I ever thought possible� were are these people coming from?� but I thank you all again and again ..it means the world to me that you all were there� THANK YOU!�.

One more day to go... The church service.. It was cold and rainy ... I am overwhelmed from the amount of people who showed up once again.. The church was full�..There was a bus outside in the parking lot� our last day with Dave before he will be cremated� he is ours right now for the last time�.� we have several family and friends who are going to speak about Dave � tissues please!� this is going to be rough!. Even Chase will be getting up to say a few words about his Dad.. I know Dave would have been so proud of him.. I was especially proud to see him so grown up on that microphone�� Madison wrote one too.. But she wont be getting up to read it. I would of liked to have said a few words to all of you.. But I couldn�t� I appreciate all those who did.. Thank you�. I know Dave appreciated it as well... As I hold on to Madison ...wiping away the tears� as each one spoke of our Dad�.

This is the beginning of the rest of my life�.